You deserve happiness. And, you are hurting your son by allowing this to continue. Young men need to learn life skills and stand on their own two feet.
Living at home hurts young people who are learning to be adults. You can give him 3 months notice, for example. Tell him to move in with a friend or look on Craigslist find a place to live since many people are looking to rent a room to someone. Call a large church in your area, they might know of non-profit groups that help homeless adults. You could provide him with that info.
OR, call a homeless shelter your county human services department for info. You are being nice by providing the housing info, but you need to keep in mind that really, this is NOT your problem. On the day he moves out, he can decide where he wants to live. IF you want to do so, you can let him know that you are willing to pay the first month's rent or the first 3 months, whatever IF he moves out ahead of the deadline.
Wow -- this is super generous of you. Keep reminding him about the move out date. TWO weeks until the move out date. Only TEN more days, until the move out date.
Now for the reality. He will not move out, despite all your wonderful planning. You need to make a plan to evict him. Call ahead to the locksmith and figure out a plan. Learn how to change the code on the garage door opener.
Then, after the deadline has passed -- say nothing to him. You wait for the right opportunity. Then you can pick any date that is convenient for you and decide when the time is right.
Let's say a week after the deadline, he leaves the house one day. Lock the doors, call the emergency locksmith, who you have put on call ahead of time. Put his stuff in boxes and bags and put them on the front step with a note. It is a note that you wrote ahead of time. I recommend you stay with a friend or call this phone number xyz for county services to find a place to stay.
I love you and want you to succeed with life skills as an adult. He has one son who was 13 when we met, now Early on, I tried to help my stepson by teaching him to take care of himself, the house, and going out to earn money. I noticed his sense of entitlement and tried to nip it in the bud, but he saw this as a threat and lied constantly to undermine me; even lied to the police to have me arrested once he was stealing from my business and I was disciplining him and he said I was hitting him when I just took his phone.
His father took his side and it nearly destroyed our marriage, but I just decided to bide my time and let the boy undo himself since he openly had no respect for the law or other people. His father and I worked things out, but the boy refused to live with us, so he stayed at an apartment. He got caught by the cops with a bunch of marijuana and was forced to move home.
At home he was not able to smoke his weed or do whatever he pleased, so he ran off to live with his mother. She moved to California from Honduras so that he could stay in the US he is an immigrant, not a citizen , so she has to go back to Honduras every 6 months to renew her visitor's visa yes, she is playing a game with our immigration laws. About a year and a half ago, she went back and wanted to stay in Honduras, so my stepson 18 then moved back to my hometown, but we were leaving to move to another state.
So, we left him with a car and he had plenty of friends who he could stay with while he worked to start his own life. He chose not to work and wound up in jail and lost his car. His father, not wanting his son to move back to Honduras, asked me to let him stay with us while he found a job. Of course I want to see my stepson succeed, so he moved in with us. We sat down, worked out a plan and a budget for him to pay rent, etc. My husband took him to get a job that he could walk to and things seemed like they were going to be on track.
Until my son who shared a room with stepson 12 at the time , came to tell me there was a woman in the bed with my stepson. Now, I don't know how you are in your house, but I do NOT allow the boys to do things with girls in my home and I especially don't want those things done with my sleeping child in the room. Then he started back-sliding on our agreement and smoking marijuana again. I told my husband that I had enough and my husband found him a room to rent that my stepson was supposed to pay.
I knew he was paying for his son, but I stayed quiet. Then my stepfather died and my mother was dealing with stage 4 cancer, so she moved to be near me. We decided to move in with her since she was needing more care and told my husband that he should just move his son into our apartment so he wasn't trying to support two places.
A couple of months went by with my stepson not paying rent, smoking pot, and being lazy, so my husband told him to join the military or move back to Honduras with his mother. My stepson agreed to join the military and was going to give the car back to his father since he cosigned for it and was paying the bills on it. My stepson went to Honduras over New Year's and quit his job here. When he came back, my husband asked him how he was going to pay his bills, to which my stepson said that he expected us to pay for all his living expenses.
That was the last straw for my husband. He terminated the lease and told his son that he had 30 days to find a new place to live. On the last day of the lease, my stepson told my husband that he was a horrible father and he was not going to give back the car. This broke my husband's heart and he hasn't spoken to my stepson in a week and refuses to speak to him until he grows up and accepts responsibility. Now, we find out that my stepson is calling all of my husband's family that lives in the US cousins he has never met and lying to them saying that my husband kicked him out for no reason and wants him to be homeless.
Well, we find out last night that my stepson is driving back to California and his mother is going to support him again there. The only issue is that this is her last game with the visa My husband says he is done with his son after seeing his true self, but I am not so sure I fear for my stepson since I believe his issues are likely rooted in an untreated personality disorder he's been like this since a child according to my sister-in-law and his mother is the same way , but I am more worried that in 6 months he'll come crying to his father again and my husband will help him out to his detriment as usual I guess time will tell.
I've read the books. I know theoretically that she will need to hit rock bottom, perhaps be homeless, perhaps be in danger. MAYBE she won't make it. MAYBE she will finally get her act together. Adult daughter age 37 has been unemployed, living off divorce settlement for many years.
Her dad my ex kicked her out a year ago. Today I learn she's finally out of cash and living in a dangerous place and wants us to help financially. I can afford to help a little, for a little while.. I sincerely feel her dad my ex finally did the right thing to cut her off and kick her out Afterwards, I got her a mental health assessment and all that guy did was prescribe Prozac.
Apparently there isn't anything obviously wrong with her.. She didn't go back. I've never been aware of any substance abuse problems and neither has her father or step father noticed anything. I do not want her to move in with me and my husband as I know it will be even harder to kick her out.
Besides, she makes us uncomfortable in our own home, watching her lay around and sleep, play on her Ipad or watch TV. IShe now has no money, no household furnishings and has 1 month left to live in a room rented from a friend of hers. I expect she will burn that friendship and have to be evicted. She's unemployable at this point and I don't see how she can make enough to live on a minimum wage job Because she has a decent car, she still has enough assets to not qualify for social services except Medi-cal.
I really wish I could find a support group or a counselor to help me say no. And to help me survive this pain. She was just visiting for the weekend and I found she had not been doing what she said she was going to do so I had to buy a plane ticket after less than 24 hours to ship her back to her ghetto dangerous room in the worst part of one of the worst crime cities in the country with only a month of money left to live on.
I expect next month she will be living in her car. I need help and don't just want to call a random counseler. How do I find on that will help me. I'm in Las Vegas. Im so glad to see there are other parents going through this dilemma. As the mother of two adult sons, who both live home, I am wondering if I will ever have my home to myself again!
I love my boys, and they are now both working full time jobs, they are 22 and But I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel for them to move out on their own. We live in a very nice home, and I have not asked for rent. I've created my monsters.. I know that. But how do you kindly direct them.. I certainly would never kick them out.. My older son has friends in and out all weekend, and my younger son has had a girl living with us for 3 yrs.
Sadly she has no place to go, no family , and she tries harder than they do.. I don't seem to be able to enforce very simple rules-like cleaning up after themselves, not smoking in the house, or leaving personal belongings laying all over the family room. Their rooms are pig pens, and no matter how I try to look the other way..
They are very messy, and just see no problem with it, even when I ask for a change. I guess I am trying to transition from parenting children to living in a cooperative, respectful environment!.. To make it more complicated, they do not see their father at all, and I am remarried but have been since they were 4 and 8 so that plays a role in the household dynamics.
My husband and I like things to be clean and neat, and to have our home look a certain way. They are so used to be nagging, that it is just a waste of energy!.
My husbands daughter took her own life at 20 and I guess everytime I think of that, I feel like I should tolerate anything!.. Not sure why I feel I have to sacrifice peace and happiness for them though Diene I agree with Done 2. She stated it well. I hear a very angry and hurt girl in your daughter's behavior but if she is unwilling to go to therapy and work those things out you have no choice.
SHE has to be willing to work on her issues. She's obviously working if she can afford a car. I would tell her it's time to leave. Be oatmeal voice There are eviction laws with time frames I would look those up so you have the time frames in mind.
What applies to your situation specifically. What did we do without Google? You are truly teaching her and your son that this is acceptable behavior. Stand strong. Teach her she needs to work through her anger and come to a place of peace in her own life. It's not healthy for any of you. What year was this written?
In today's world no one has a land line in the home and a cell phone and internet is the only way to apply for most jobs. It's not like it was when my generation was moving out. Employers don't want to see you. They want everything to go through a website. So if a person doesn't have access to a cell phone to receive call back on an application, how is this helpful? I can see telling my kid to go to the local library to use Internet access but they are even cracking down on that too.
My situation is there is absolutely no extended family. They are are all dead. He lost his job and is unskilled. I try to get him back to school but he needs income. He needs the phone to get to places. It's become a catch I know he needs a hard line but it's winter and it's not like I can put his stuff on the porch and lock him out. He has no car, no driver's license. If he had no phone he'd be dead on my porch!
Thanks for your response. I hesitate to give ultimatums as far as the insurance goes as now he does have a job and a girlfriend and is feeling a bit better. I find when he's successful he does better, as we all do. My biggest, recent issue is, I know he is concerned about drinking and driving and he understands the risks. So, now that he has money, he's drinking upstairs in his room.
I don't usually hide things from his father but I know he'll blow up. So,I've kept it to myself and feel awful about it. I feel my son is at a crossroads and trying to decide if it's all to much and split or continue to try to stick to the job and clean up his life. I'm relieved he's not drinking and driving but my husband gave up drinking at our home to set a good example.
He'd be really ticked about him drinking upstairs. I do think he expects but looks the other way. My son is an alcoholic so if he goes several days without alcohol, he feels pretty crappy and unfocused.
His mind needs to be clear for work so he drinks. My hope is he will get some help if he can continue with positive changes. It's just not all going to happen all at once. I just really hate hiding the truth from my husband. My son has had a lot of chances but he might just be old enough now to no longer want to be on the street and straighten out his life.
This job feels like the first step. If he loses this job or quits all bets are off and I feel like its ultimatum time. We told him he needs to set up a bank account to have automatic withdrawal of his insurance. That's the next step. I'm finding myself in many a similar situation. My daughter is 27, graduated from a prestigious university and decided to stay in her internship job paying much less than her worth.
She stated then that she wished to stay at home for a couple of years to help her pay off her college debt. I had at this time started to put the house on the market but rescinded.
I had already moved forward into town to take care of my parents at that time and have not returned back to live in my house. During this time she allowed several different bad roomies stopping with the final, a boyfriend who is an alcoholic, not driving but holding down a part time job and eventually took in two pit bulls.
The dogs have torn up my floors. They pulled them up but even after I have offered to install floors and even bought equipment to complete the work, it hasn't been completed. My subfloors have been exposed for most of a year. My father has recently unexpectedly died leaving me at a point where I have had to commit to moving in with my mother to help her out financially and with living activities.
I now feel I can no longer carry my daughter, promise after promise not completed. MORE : 10 things generation rent can relate to. Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at pm. Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here , and you could see your message published on the site. Poppy Logo. FB house promo. The Key Newsletter. Sign up here Sign up. Another roommate after that brought a surprise addition: her younger sister, who shared her bedroom. Meanwhile, at my first job, many of my older co-workers were still shacking up with their families — except for my year-old supervisor, who lived with his girlfriend and her grandparents.
Also, bear in mind that your living situation is completely normal: The percentage of young Americans ages 18 to 34 living with their parents recently reached a year high of almost 40 percent. And why not? Your first step is to plot out the numbers. Amanda Clayman, an L. The amount should be based on the cost of the apartment you hope to have — research the local market and do the math. Next, figure out where your parents stand.